The house is divided between the “straight forward…realest ppl in the house” (read: bitches) Krista, Angelea, Anslee and Alasia and the “people who need each other“ (read: sorority sisters) Jessica, Brenda and Raina. Girls are mean! Angelea’s picking fights for what seems like no reason at all. Alasia’s stuck in a room with the white girls and they ignore her and talk like she’s not there. Probably for fear that she’ll start running her mouth and never stop. Still, it’s just mean. Wait a second, what about Alexandra? I guess the big girls don’t get to play at all! Anyway, back to the playground…
Tyra Mail – “when u walk in, u might have a fit.” Alasia makes the girls late for their teach with Miss J and Ann Shoket. “That’s the 18 year old...ness, coming out.” Well said Brenda. Ugh. Today’s lesson: How to dress for a go-see. The girls go to the Seventeen fashion closet and learn how to dress for their body type. The girls will have 5 minutes to go through clothes and accessories and build the right outfit. Cue running and scrambling…no screaming this time…weird. The girls learn a few things and get to keep their outfits. Ah, there’s the screaming!
In the limo back to the loft, Jessica and Alasia get into it over Alasia being late and inconsiderate of everyone else. Of course Alasia flips out. Krista and Angelea are thoroughly enjoying themselves until Angelea says something stupid and Brenda calls her “uneducated.” Oh no you di’n’t! “My name is Brenda, not bitch.” Hahaha…this girl’s such a fool. She annoys the hell outta me. Back at the loft, Angelea parks herself in enemy territory, just looking for a reason to fight with Brenda. Or maybe just anyone?
Tyra Mail – “DING DONG!” The doorbell rings. A model delivers an invitation for the girls to attend a Tinsley Mortimer handbag launch party. They arrive and meet Mr Jay, who announces that their challenge will be a one-on-one with Tinsley, who will judge them on their style and personality. It’s all about public perception. Alasia is worried (as she should be!) about how she’s supposed to act around industry people. Brenda isn’t at all worried, she’s used to uppity parties. Gag me. The girls mingle until it’s their turn to sit down with Tinsley (worst name ever, btw). Anslee gets caught on a fashion question, and Alasia frightens Tinsley with her crazy talk and lack of filter. At least she’s being herself! Jay announces that Jessica won best photo last week, so she’ll get to participate in the challenge…at this point it’s kinda obvious she’s the challenge winner, because they never say that before they announce it. The winner will get to pick a friend to participate in a Seventeen photoshoot with her, so double winner Jessica gets to pick two friends. Guess who…her favourite roomies, Brenda and Raina.
Back at the nuthouse…Alasia is eavesdropping on Raina’s “confessional” where she hears Raina talking bad about her. She comes out all “oh…hey girl” and Alasia’s not having it. She goes into the confessional and starts smack-talking Raina. Of course Raina’s outside the door and invites Jessica over, and they start doing some weird seizure/Alasia impression. Are you kidding me? White girls are so lame…
Tyra Mail – “it’s time to take ur campaign underground.” The girls have a subway photoshoot that I like to call “It smell like pee down there!” Thank you Alasia. The girls get to the subway and wait for a train to arrive. Out steps Mr Jay, last year’s midget model winner Nicole (yay!) and a creepy photographer. Nicole’s advice to Angelea to avoid drama in the house? “Stay classy, you know?” Oops, too late! The sorority girls got a real kick outta that one! So, each girl will be a “New York woman” and have to pose in a moving subway car. Mr Jay thought Angelea had her best shoot by far in the competition, she modeled with confidence and a studied poise, and was the surprise of the night! Anslee kept snarling and making the I-smell-stinky-in-the-subway face. Brenda…could you look any worse? She was supposed to look young and fresh. She look old and boring. Alasia walks in all pose-pose-pose and Mr Jay says “CoverGirl, not two dollar hooker.” Bahahaha. Awesome. Oh, and after the shoot, Brenda tells us she has the most edgy look in the house, so she should win best photo. Um, how do you figure that? Oh, right, must be that CRAZY short hair you have. Ugh, get over yourself.
Panel – Tyra thinks the girls look “collectively” better…I think Tyra should have paid more attention at dressing-for-your-body-type class. Another wide shouldered, high-waist belted, giant hip, tapered leg disaster of a pantsuit. Yikes. I think Dianne Watts could show this lady a thing or two about the pantsuit!
Ok, here’s what kind of New York woman each model was supposed to be in her photoshoot:
Krista “aspiring actress” – Beautiful photo. Finally! This looked like a real CoverGirl shot.
Anslee “artist” – The little smirk wins over the judges.
Alexandra “upper east sider” – Another believable CoverGirl ad. Nigel thinks this is her best shot yet, and Ann would book her in a heartbeat. “This is a face that’s gonna sell makeup.” Well you can’t beat that! Or can you…
Angelea “fashionista” – Andre and Nigel are in love with this shot, sounds like a winner to me.
Raina “east village rockabilly” – No neck…that’s never good. But Andre still wants to see more from Raina. I bet.
Jessica “club goer” – I guess she stuck with the theme, cause she showed up in some skanky shoes that earned her Andre’s dreck-of-the-week prize. And she defended her shoes all the way. Gold shoes with blue flowers? Bitch, please. Back to the photos…Jessica looked confused and not very CoverGirl. The judges aren’t impressed with her “fake confidence.”
Brenda “student” – Blah, she looked like a mannequin. “No fire, no desire.” Sounds like trouble!
Alasia “model on a go-see” - Uh oh. We all know this can’t go well…and it doesn’t. This shot is also boring. But she looks more like a young student than Brenda. Just saying.
Sounds like the bottom two are going to be Brenda and Alasia. But first things first, best photo of the week goes to…Angelea. That one was obvious. Followed by Krista, Raina, Alexandra, Anslee and Jessica - who's giving attitude right til the end. Lil ho. And of course the bottom two are Brenda, who never got over her hair, and Alasia, who screwed up this week. And thank GOD, it’s Brenda who finally gets the boot.
Stay tuned for the next episode...which i may or may not be watching and recapping from a beach in Mexico. Adios amigos!
April 19, 2010
April 14, 2010
ANTM Episode 5 – Smile and Pose
Anslee gets a letter from her daughter, and has a little meltdown. She pretty much stays that way for the rest of the show. Boring.
Tyra Mail – “u don’t need 2 b a scientist 2 b good at chemistry.” The girls have a teach with Miss J about faking chemistry in a shoot with another model. They will have to ride a tram with a “shy male model” and break the ice. Turns out the shy male model is none other than Nigel Barker. Too bad it’s only the tram they get to ride… We see a few of the really awkward moments from some of the girls – Angelea does a hammer dance and Jessica practically attacks Nigel and tries to strip him down several times. You go girl! Needless to say, I don’t think Nigel will be volunteering to help out with the teach anytime soon.
From there, the girls use this lesson to help them in this week’s challenge. The judges are Nigel Barker and Ann Shoket of Seventeen magazine. The girls have to pose in a window for a lingerie shoot, and they will only have 5 frames. And that’s not the craziest part. The male model? Comedian Ross Mathews. You may know him as “Ross the Intern” from the Jay Leno Show (yeah, the old JL show that didn’t suck so much). I looked Ross up on Wikipedia. Under the heading “Personal life” there is one line: “Mathews has a dog named Louise.” Priceless. And he has a voice like a teenaged girl. Good luck ladies! The girls were mostly awkward, with a few good ideas and hopefully some good shots, because the winner would get over $6000 in diamond jewellery (btw, that’s 1 pair of earrings). Oh, and Alasia had THE worst excuse for lingerie I have ever seen. Green and covered in frills. She looked like deep and delicious cake with green icing. Blech. And the challenge winner was…Jessica. Apparently Ross wasn’t afraid of her. I wonder why. And as last week’s best photo winner, Alasia also won jewellery – a $5000 diamond encrusted ring. Payback for having to wear the cupcake suit, I’d say!
Tyra Mail – “2morrow ur going 2 find out who’s fake, and who keeps it real.” Photoshoot time on Canal Street, where the J’s are pretending to shop for knockoffs from a street vendor. Who then pretends to be a cop and bust Miss J. Not funny. Mr Jay tells the girls that knockoffs are the biggest fashion crime they could commit. Hm. Don’t make me tell you more about the cupcake underpants! For the photoshoot, the girls will be dressed in fake everything – from eyelashes and lips to shoes and purses. The fake street vendor/cop is D-Nice, New York photog and DJ. Lame. Most of the girls look absolutely ridiculous in their get-ups, but somehow Angelea seemed to be able to pull it off really well. Scary. And Alasia didn’t look too bad either.
At panel, Tyra was wearing pantsuit #5, an over-sized number she made outta her momma’s old 80’s track suit. From the fat years. It. Was. Hu-uge! It’s really too bad they didn’t post a picture of this one, maybe she realized how bad it was when she saw the tape. Here’s how the girls did this week:
Tatianna – Eek! The clown face was scary. The judges didn’t like that she only ever does one pose, she was lucky to get one good shot.
Raina – She noticed what the makeup artist did with her face and she sold the look. She just needed a bit more emotion in her face.
Jessica – She was jumping all over the place at the photoshoot, and she nailed it. The judges loved that her feet left the ground. Even Nigel had something nice to say – “She’s such a pretty girl, she can afford to go ugly…and still looks radiant.” Impressive, considering she mauled him earlier. And Nigel usually holds a grudge.
Krista – She looked like a neon green monster. Yikes. But the judges liked it.
Brenda – She lacked chemistry, and she just doesn’t get it.
Anslee – She was emotionally distraught and lost this week, but managed to pull it together near the end of the shoot. The judges thought her photo told a story, and she was fake in all the right ways.
Angelea – All the fake-up worked for her. Which is pretty funny, she seemed to be in her element. Her shot was high fashion. “It is fake. And so what!” No need to fake this one!
Alexandra – She wasn’t confident, so the spark wasn’t there, and the outfit is what carried the shot.
Alasia – The judges loved it (as usual), except that her face was down.
And best photo this week goes to…Jessica (I think Angelea’s photo was better). Followed by Angelea, Krista, Alasia, Anslee, Brenda, and Raina. And the bottom two were Alexandra and Tatianna. Alexandra is beautiful and statuesque, but she doesn’t know what to do with her body. Tatianna’s one good photo was luck not skill. And that’s why she got the boot!
Tyra Mail – “u don’t need 2 b a scientist 2 b good at chemistry.” The girls have a teach with Miss J about faking chemistry in a shoot with another model. They will have to ride a tram with a “shy male model” and break the ice. Turns out the shy male model is none other than Nigel Barker. Too bad it’s only the tram they get to ride… We see a few of the really awkward moments from some of the girls – Angelea does a hammer dance and Jessica practically attacks Nigel and tries to strip him down several times. You go girl! Needless to say, I don’t think Nigel will be volunteering to help out with the teach anytime soon.
From there, the girls use this lesson to help them in this week’s challenge. The judges are Nigel Barker and Ann Shoket of Seventeen magazine. The girls have to pose in a window for a lingerie shoot, and they will only have 5 frames. And that’s not the craziest part. The male model? Comedian Ross Mathews. You may know him as “Ross the Intern” from the Jay Leno Show (yeah, the old JL show that didn’t suck so much). I looked Ross up on Wikipedia. Under the heading “Personal life” there is one line: “Mathews has a dog named Louise.” Priceless. And he has a voice like a teenaged girl. Good luck ladies! The girls were mostly awkward, with a few good ideas and hopefully some good shots, because the winner would get over $6000 in diamond jewellery (btw, that’s 1 pair of earrings). Oh, and Alasia had THE worst excuse for lingerie I have ever seen. Green and covered in frills. She looked like deep and delicious cake with green icing. Blech. And the challenge winner was…Jessica. Apparently Ross wasn’t afraid of her. I wonder why. And as last week’s best photo winner, Alasia also won jewellery – a $5000 diamond encrusted ring. Payback for having to wear the cupcake suit, I’d say!
Tyra Mail – “2morrow ur going 2 find out who’s fake, and who keeps it real.” Photoshoot time on Canal Street, where the J’s are pretending to shop for knockoffs from a street vendor. Who then pretends to be a cop and bust Miss J. Not funny. Mr Jay tells the girls that knockoffs are the biggest fashion crime they could commit. Hm. Don’t make me tell you more about the cupcake underpants! For the photoshoot, the girls will be dressed in fake everything – from eyelashes and lips to shoes and purses. The fake street vendor/cop is D-Nice, New York photog and DJ. Lame. Most of the girls look absolutely ridiculous in their get-ups, but somehow Angelea seemed to be able to pull it off really well. Scary. And Alasia didn’t look too bad either.
At panel, Tyra was wearing pantsuit #5, an over-sized number she made outta her momma’s old 80’s track suit. From the fat years. It. Was. Hu-uge! It’s really too bad they didn’t post a picture of this one, maybe she realized how bad it was when she saw the tape. Here’s how the girls did this week:
Tatianna – Eek! The clown face was scary. The judges didn’t like that she only ever does one pose, she was lucky to get one good shot.
Raina – She noticed what the makeup artist did with her face and she sold the look. She just needed a bit more emotion in her face.
Jessica – She was jumping all over the place at the photoshoot, and she nailed it. The judges loved that her feet left the ground. Even Nigel had something nice to say – “She’s such a pretty girl, she can afford to go ugly…and still looks radiant.” Impressive, considering she mauled him earlier. And Nigel usually holds a grudge.
Krista – She looked like a neon green monster. Yikes. But the judges liked it.
Brenda – She lacked chemistry, and she just doesn’t get it.
Anslee – She was emotionally distraught and lost this week, but managed to pull it together near the end of the shoot. The judges thought her photo told a story, and she was fake in all the right ways.
Angelea – All the fake-up worked for her. Which is pretty funny, she seemed to be in her element. Her shot was high fashion. “It is fake. And so what!” No need to fake this one!
Alexandra – She wasn’t confident, so the spark wasn’t there, and the outfit is what carried the shot.
Alasia – The judges loved it (as usual), except that her face was down.
And best photo this week goes to…Jessica (I think Angelea’s photo was better). Followed by Angelea, Krista, Alasia, Anslee, Brenda, and Raina. And the bottom two were Alexandra and Tatianna. Alexandra is beautiful and statuesque, but she doesn’t know what to do with her body. Tatianna’s one good photo was luck not skill. And that’s why she got the boot!
April 1, 2010
ANTM Episode 4 – America’s Next Top Vampire
Tyra Mail – “When things don’t go ur way, sometimes u need 2 improvise.” The girls have an improv teach, where they have to act out “emotional scenes.” Like changing a tractor tire, washing a car, riding a horse…while acting shocked, depressed, nervous…you get the picture. Blah. In other news…Miss J met the girls at the theatre, and he was actually dressed in men’s clothing!
As promised last week, Tyra sends Sally Hershberger to the loft to give Brenda a more edgy do. She trims up the sides and spikes up the top – a little 80’s punk. Looks fab. Aaaaaand Brenda hates it. Ugh. This broad… She’s convinced she can’t possibly do as well as the other girls with her short hair…well not with that attitude!
Tyra Mail – “2morrow u r really going 2 blow up.” The girls go to Times Square (I think. I may have just made up that part.) and are given their next challenge from actress and CoverGirl model Dania Ramirez – who, I gotta tell ya, has a pretty nice ass! They will have to ‘’model between the lines” in a 30-second CoverGirl commercial, which will air live on the big outdoor screen. So no lines to memorize and deliver, just acting/modelling while a voice-over does the talking. You’d think this would be easy for aspiring models. Not so much. All the girls were holding back, but Tatianna decided she was gonna try something different. She looked ridiculous. And got the attention of the crowd and judge sweet-ass. Easy win. Tatianna steals herself a CoverGirl advertorial which will appear in Seventeen magazine and on covergirl.com. I guess Simone gets in on this one too, since she was last week’s challenge winner.
The girls go back to the house, and Alasia and Anslee start a fight over some frozen veg. Alasia throws in a comment about how Anslee must be raising her daughter (oh no you di’n’t!) and Anslee comes outta the trailer again. We’ve already seen both of these crazy broads do this, so no surprise here. But quite ridiculously entertaining, I must say.
Tyra Mail – “2morrow, b ware of the no neck monster.” I hated this Tyra Mail more than most. It just doesn’t really work. Ok, so Mr Jay comes out acting like a vampire, all evil eyes and afraid of the light. They even throw in a fake red flash in his eyes at one point…ugh, you’re killing me here, Tyra! So…the girls will be turned into vampires, wearing white-out lenses that will completely obscure their vision. Brenda’s all “ this is gonna be hard for me.” Because you have a cute short haircut? You poor thing. Now shut it! Each girl will pose in a tub of blood with a not-so-cute male model – also a vampire. Seriously? I never want to see a vampire again…please tell me the craze is almost over…damn you Stephenie Meyer.
Back at panel – again, Tyra, with the one piece pantsuit. Even though this one is a colour, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s even worse than last week. Looks like her mom made it for her. In the 80’s. All wrong. Let’s talk about the amateurs instead:
Angelea had no problem with the contacts. “Like, buh-dam!” and they were in. But the judges thought she wasn’t quite there this week, and she earned the dreck-of-the-week award for her nasty toes hangin’ out the tub. Alasia’s photo is beautiful and sensual, and the judges LOVE it. She pulls off a skanky pose in a not-so-skanky way. Tyra likes. Alexandra impressed Mr Jay this week, but I honestly can’t remember anything the judges said. Oops. Krista made a stinky face. Jessica was just okay. Tyra liked her look, but Andre whatshisface thinks she’s boring. Brenda stands in front of the judges, and they like her new hair. Lady doesn’t say an effin’ word about how much she hates her hair. And cried because she couldn’t put in her white contacts. On the bright side, Andre thinks Brenda “would be fabulous as a housewife.” Hehehe…suck it, Brenda. So anyway, good face (and hair!), but the body was all wrong. Tatianna was almost too good at this shoot, the little slut. Raina was dark and edgy, and looks like she just got bit and now she’s hungry. I think she just looks like she’s getting out of a bloody bathtub. I kinda hate it. But apparently Raina can do no wrong. Broad’s gonna win the whole thing and I’m gonna be pissed. Anslee was not so good, the judges thought she looked confused in her photo. And Nigel just hates her. Simone needed to be pushed and she improved with Jay’s help, but the photo wasn’t good enough. Oh, and the photographer was a little bitch. It was great.
And this week’s best photo goes to…Alasia. Oh, snap! Followed by Raina, Tatianna, Brenda, Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica and Krista. The bottom two were Anslee and Simone. My two picks. Fack. What is wrong with me? Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat. And the judges don’t like her excuses. Simone has strong potential, but it’s not coming across in her photos. She can’t portray on the outside what she’s feeling on the inside…ugh, Tyra… And Simone gets the boot. Mother Eff. Five more into the pot!
Tune in next week for an awkward situation where Jessica tries to pick up Nigel in a gondola…whut?
As promised last week, Tyra sends Sally Hershberger to the loft to give Brenda a more edgy do. She trims up the sides and spikes up the top – a little 80’s punk. Looks fab. Aaaaaand Brenda hates it. Ugh. This broad… She’s convinced she can’t possibly do as well as the other girls with her short hair…well not with that attitude!
Tyra Mail – “2morrow u r really going 2 blow up.” The girls go to Times Square (I think. I may have just made up that part.) and are given their next challenge from actress and CoverGirl model Dania Ramirez – who, I gotta tell ya, has a pretty nice ass! They will have to ‘’model between the lines” in a 30-second CoverGirl commercial, which will air live on the big outdoor screen. So no lines to memorize and deliver, just acting/modelling while a voice-over does the talking. You’d think this would be easy for aspiring models. Not so much. All the girls were holding back, but Tatianna decided she was gonna try something different. She looked ridiculous. And got the attention of the crowd and judge sweet-ass. Easy win. Tatianna steals herself a CoverGirl advertorial which will appear in Seventeen magazine and on covergirl.com. I guess Simone gets in on this one too, since she was last week’s challenge winner.
The girls go back to the house, and Alasia and Anslee start a fight over some frozen veg. Alasia throws in a comment about how Anslee must be raising her daughter (oh no you di’n’t!) and Anslee comes outta the trailer again. We’ve already seen both of these crazy broads do this, so no surprise here. But quite ridiculously entertaining, I must say.
Tyra Mail – “2morrow, b ware of the no neck monster.” I hated this Tyra Mail more than most. It just doesn’t really work. Ok, so Mr Jay comes out acting like a vampire, all evil eyes and afraid of the light. They even throw in a fake red flash in his eyes at one point…ugh, you’re killing me here, Tyra! So…the girls will be turned into vampires, wearing white-out lenses that will completely obscure their vision. Brenda’s all “ this is gonna be hard for me.” Because you have a cute short haircut? You poor thing. Now shut it! Each girl will pose in a tub of blood with a not-so-cute male model – also a vampire. Seriously? I never want to see a vampire again…please tell me the craze is almost over…damn you Stephenie Meyer.
Back at panel – again, Tyra, with the one piece pantsuit. Even though this one is a colour, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s even worse than last week. Looks like her mom made it for her. In the 80’s. All wrong. Let’s talk about the amateurs instead:
Angelea had no problem with the contacts. “Like, buh-dam!” and they were in. But the judges thought she wasn’t quite there this week, and she earned the dreck-of-the-week award for her nasty toes hangin’ out the tub. Alasia’s photo is beautiful and sensual, and the judges LOVE it. She pulls off a skanky pose in a not-so-skanky way. Tyra likes. Alexandra impressed Mr Jay this week, but I honestly can’t remember anything the judges said. Oops. Krista made a stinky face. Jessica was just okay. Tyra liked her look, but Andre whatshisface thinks she’s boring. Brenda stands in front of the judges, and they like her new hair. Lady doesn’t say an effin’ word about how much she hates her hair. And cried because she couldn’t put in her white contacts. On the bright side, Andre thinks Brenda “would be fabulous as a housewife.” Hehehe…suck it, Brenda. So anyway, good face (and hair!), but the body was all wrong. Tatianna was almost too good at this shoot, the little slut. Raina was dark and edgy, and looks like she just got bit and now she’s hungry. I think she just looks like she’s getting out of a bloody bathtub. I kinda hate it. But apparently Raina can do no wrong. Broad’s gonna win the whole thing and I’m gonna be pissed. Anslee was not so good, the judges thought she looked confused in her photo. And Nigel just hates her. Simone needed to be pushed and she improved with Jay’s help, but the photo wasn’t good enough. Oh, and the photographer was a little bitch. It was great.
And this week’s best photo goes to…Alasia. Oh, snap! Followed by Raina, Tatianna, Brenda, Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica and Krista. The bottom two were Anslee and Simone. My two picks. Fack. What is wrong with me? Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat. And the judges don’t like her excuses. Simone has strong potential, but it’s not coming across in her photos. She can’t portray on the outside what she’s feeling on the inside…ugh, Tyra… And Simone gets the boot. Mother Eff. Five more into the pot!
Tune in next week for an awkward situation where Jessica tries to pick up Nigel in a gondola…whut?
March 31, 2010
ANTM Episode 3 – Let’s Dance
The show starts, as usual, with a little foreshadowing of what’s going to happen this week – Raina’s eyebrows are on the wall; Brenda is having a little identity crisis with her new hair; Ren is still in the game despite last week’s H1N1 shot, and she reveals that she’s in it to earn mommy’s love; Simone gave up 25k in tuition to join the show – what! Someone give this girl a job, stat!
Tyra Mail – “ur fashion knowledge can really take you places. or maybe not…” The girls get on the “Fab Bus” with Cycle 3 ANTMer, Toccara Jones. Now that’s what I call a plus-size model! The Fab Bus is a game show that will test the models’ fashion knowledge while they drive around the city. Lame. Since Raina had the best pic last week, she is Toccara’s assistant (yeah, she just sits there looking…well, let’s just call it pretty), and the rest of the girls split into 2 teams. Tocarra’s talk show host voice is the most annoying thing so far. Let’s skip to the important part…the winning team is Krista, Angelea, Simone, Alexandra and Jessica. The prize is go-sees at bluefly.com HQ and $500 GCs for all. The winner of the go-sees will get even more dough to spend, and a spot in the bluefly spring ad campaign. The losers are Brenda, Alasia, Anslee, Ren and Tatianna. They go to bluefly too, but they are sent to “the cage”…that’s the back room, where they have to receive new inventory. Suck. Anslee is pissed because Brenda choked on an easy question. I think she might just go trailer on her trailer ass!
The winners arrive for their go-sees. Raina is beautiful. Hm! Jessica is too thin…too thin for a model? That can’t be good. Angelea has a great personality (ha!) but sucked at selling her outfit. Alexandra has a beautiful face, and would be perfect for editorial…meaning they think she’s too fat to model. Simone was terrific, had a beautiful face, beautiful legs, and shoulders like a football player. Okay, so I may have exaggerated that one just a little. Krista ‘understands her body’ and knows what she’s doing. And the winner is…Simone. Since it was sort of a double challenge this week, I have awarded points to all 5 winners, plus an extra point to Simone. Boo.
Back at the loft, Brenda starts being bossy and Krista ain’t havin’ it! She calls Brenda ‘Geppetto’…bahaha…and when she leaves the room they call her Chucky. Well, little miss I-hate-drama Ren goes and tattles to Brenda, who won’t shut up about it for the rest of the night. Anslee tells her to stuff it “honey”, and Battle Trailer has begun. Called it.
Tyra Mail – “Top models always need 2 b in step.” The girls will be assigned a dance style for their photoshoot, and will receive a short one-on-one lesson from dance theatre vet, Troy Powell. Whoever that is. Oh, and Mr Jay is wearing pretty pants. Jealous.
Let’s just skip to judging and find out how they did. First of all, Tyra. What. The. Eff. She’s wearing some kind of one-piece nude pantsuit with giant shoulders…ugh…thanks Stef, for giving this a name – Vulcan Spanx. Without the benefits of Spanx, I might add. Moving on…this week’s guest judge is Sean Patterson, Mr Wilhelmina modelling agency. Smarten up girls! And what does Alasia decide to wear to panel today? A bloody metallic silver bathing suit instead of a shirt. Gawd! Ok, here’s how the girls did:
Anslee – Rhythmic Dancing – Pretty, but she missed the model boat…”Not fashion at all…her face is going for the gold, but her body doesn’t even get the bronze.”
Jessica – Salsa – She needed more passion…not good if your dance style is salsa, girl.
Tatianna – Tap – This outfit looked ridiculous. Her close-up shot was “dynamite” but it was the one lucky shot in her whole film. Oops.
Angelea – Moshing – Um, that’s not a dance. But the judges loved the shot. Lucky.
Ren – Disco – Mr Jay was bored at the shoot, and the judges hated it. Tyra asks Ren if she wants to stay or leave? Cut to commercial…ugh…of course she wants to stay! But I’m not convinced.
Alexandra – Break Dancing – She said she was “channelling Run DMC”…haha…well it worked. The judges were impressed with the big girl’s moves! I think this one’s my fave pic this week.
Raina – Jazz – The judges loved it. I hated it.
Brenda – African – This photoshoot was a downer, Jay was just mean, and Brenda doesn’t understand “on the count of three.” Brenda is the dreck winner of the week with her accountant outfit and terrible SNL-sketch giraffe shot. Ouch.
Krista – Ballet – Gentle face, awkward hands. Somehow this is what makes it fashion.
Alasia – Interpretive Dance – The girls all made fun of Alasia while she was on set, but the judges love her gorgeous shot. “The photo is as good as her outfit is bad.” Hehehe.
Simone – Hip Hop – This girl is white. Everyone is convinced. Even Simone! Hey, let’s give the black girl hip-hop, it’ll be a challenge. Seriously, it was.
And this week’s best photo is…Alasia. Are you kidding me?
Followed by Angelea, Jessica, Alexandra, Krista, Raina, Tatianna, Anslee and the bottom two – Ren and Brenda.
Ren was hand-picked by Tyra, and she has the goods…but not the wants. Brenda stays in. “Woo child, where is her station wagon?” Love it. Dr. Tyra gives Ren a little pep-talk and squeezes an apology out of her.
Well fuck. I'm out...there’s the first addition to the pot...
Tyra Mail – “ur fashion knowledge can really take you places. or maybe not…” The girls get on the “Fab Bus” with Cycle 3 ANTMer, Toccara Jones. Now that’s what I call a plus-size model! The Fab Bus is a game show that will test the models’ fashion knowledge while they drive around the city. Lame. Since Raina had the best pic last week, she is Toccara’s assistant (yeah, she just sits there looking…well, let’s just call it pretty), and the rest of the girls split into 2 teams. Tocarra’s talk show host voice is the most annoying thing so far. Let’s skip to the important part…the winning team is Krista, Angelea, Simone, Alexandra and Jessica. The prize is go-sees at bluefly.com HQ and $500 GCs for all. The winner of the go-sees will get even more dough to spend, and a spot in the bluefly spring ad campaign. The losers are Brenda, Alasia, Anslee, Ren and Tatianna. They go to bluefly too, but they are sent to “the cage”…that’s the back room, where they have to receive new inventory. Suck. Anslee is pissed because Brenda choked on an easy question. I think she might just go trailer on her trailer ass!
The winners arrive for their go-sees. Raina is beautiful. Hm! Jessica is too thin…too thin for a model? That can’t be good. Angelea has a great personality (ha!) but sucked at selling her outfit. Alexandra has a beautiful face, and would be perfect for editorial…meaning they think she’s too fat to model. Simone was terrific, had a beautiful face, beautiful legs, and shoulders like a football player. Okay, so I may have exaggerated that one just a little. Krista ‘understands her body’ and knows what she’s doing. And the winner is…Simone. Since it was sort of a double challenge this week, I have awarded points to all 5 winners, plus an extra point to Simone. Boo.
Back at the loft, Brenda starts being bossy and Krista ain’t havin’ it! She calls Brenda ‘Geppetto’…bahaha…and when she leaves the room they call her Chucky. Well, little miss I-hate-drama Ren goes and tattles to Brenda, who won’t shut up about it for the rest of the night. Anslee tells her to stuff it “honey”, and Battle Trailer has begun. Called it.
Tyra Mail – “Top models always need 2 b in step.” The girls will be assigned a dance style for their photoshoot, and will receive a short one-on-one lesson from dance theatre vet, Troy Powell. Whoever that is. Oh, and Mr Jay is wearing pretty pants. Jealous.
Let’s just skip to judging and find out how they did. First of all, Tyra. What. The. Eff. She’s wearing some kind of one-piece nude pantsuit with giant shoulders…ugh…thanks Stef, for giving this a name – Vulcan Spanx. Without the benefits of Spanx, I might add. Moving on…this week’s guest judge is Sean Patterson, Mr Wilhelmina modelling agency. Smarten up girls! And what does Alasia decide to wear to panel today? A bloody metallic silver bathing suit instead of a shirt. Gawd! Ok, here’s how the girls did:
Anslee – Rhythmic Dancing – Pretty, but she missed the model boat…”Not fashion at all…her face is going for the gold, but her body doesn’t even get the bronze.”
Jessica – Salsa – She needed more passion…not good if your dance style is salsa, girl.
Tatianna – Tap – This outfit looked ridiculous. Her close-up shot was “dynamite” but it was the one lucky shot in her whole film. Oops.
Angelea – Moshing – Um, that’s not a dance. But the judges loved the shot. Lucky.
Ren – Disco – Mr Jay was bored at the shoot, and the judges hated it. Tyra asks Ren if she wants to stay or leave? Cut to commercial…ugh…of course she wants to stay! But I’m not convinced.
Alexandra – Break Dancing – She said she was “channelling Run DMC”…haha…well it worked. The judges were impressed with the big girl’s moves! I think this one’s my fave pic this week.
Raina – Jazz – The judges loved it. I hated it.
Brenda – African – This photoshoot was a downer, Jay was just mean, and Brenda doesn’t understand “on the count of three.” Brenda is the dreck winner of the week with her accountant outfit and terrible SNL-sketch giraffe shot. Ouch.
Krista – Ballet – Gentle face, awkward hands. Somehow this is what makes it fashion.
Alasia – Interpretive Dance – The girls all made fun of Alasia while she was on set, but the judges love her gorgeous shot. “The photo is as good as her outfit is bad.” Hehehe.
Simone – Hip Hop – This girl is white. Everyone is convinced. Even Simone! Hey, let’s give the black girl hip-hop, it’ll be a challenge. Seriously, it was.
And this week’s best photo is…Alasia. Are you kidding me?
Followed by Angelea, Jessica, Alexandra, Krista, Raina, Tatianna, Anslee and the bottom two – Ren and Brenda.
Ren was hand-picked by Tyra, and she has the goods…but not the wants. Brenda stays in. “Woo child, where is her station wagon?” Love it. Dr. Tyra gives Ren a little pep-talk and squeezes an apology out of her.
Well fuck. I'm out...there’s the first addition to the pot...
ANTM Episode 2 – Dreckitude!
I think we’re going to be hearing this word a lot now that new judge Andre Leon Talley is on the show. Apparently he likes to make up words. Basically, Dreckitude means “it’s shit.” And I think Tyra’s afraid of him cause he’s fashion mafia…who knows. But she’s already cut back on the word smize, thank you Jesus! So far Andre is entertaining, but he’s no Janice Dickinson. Which reminds me, Paulina Porizkova is FINALLY gone. Sweetness.
Back to the photoshoot…so the girls get to choose one item by pulling it’s label off a terribly dressed mannequin. Why Tyra always sends them screaming and running, I have no idea. It’s not pretty. Oh, and by the way, Mr Jay is wearing a skirt. Wo. Here’s what each of the girls wore and what the judges thought at first panel:
Raina – ring – The judges loved it, she looks like a “courtesan” (AKA slut).
Alexandra – necklace – Her face was good, but her pose was forced. Uh, yeah, that’s what happens when you have to cover your tits with your hands.
Angelea – shoes – She did a great job, the judges loved it.
Simone – jacket – She needs the smize (ugh, I said it).
Tatianna – scarf – She got a good shot, but posed the same all the way through.
Anslee – clutch – “Almost a telescopic view into the nether regions…done with style.” Nice!
Gabrielle – leggings – “Catalog. The wrong catalog.”
Jessica – shorts – High fashion, a natural.
Brenda – watch – Her pose was awkward and she wasn’t selling the watch.
Naduah – sunglasses – They thought she looked artificial, but confident. Tyra fell for it, she wants to buy the sunglasses. Btw, they were hideous.
Alasia – vest – She looks like she’s pooping her hand, but the new judge likes it. Everyone else is laughing at her, and Nigel absolutely HATES it.
Ren – hat – Despite the gaudiest excuse for a hat that you’ve ever seen (it has mirrors on it), the judges think she looks like a woodland nymph. I guess that’s a good thing?
Krista – dress – Tyra thinks she looks like a 60s mannequin, that doesn’t sound good.
And the first Best Photo goes to – Jessica. This season, best photo not only means a giant mural of the chosen one displayed in the loft, but the winner will also get to participate in the next challenge prize, no matter how much she sucks at the challenge. Angelea is the runner up. The bottom two are Alasia and Gabrielle. Gabrielle is lovely in person, but her photo was unimpressive. Alasia is a beautiful girl, but she had a bad shot. And Gabrielle is sent home. Buh-ooh! The hand pooper wins because a crazy man wants to put her photo up in his “sal-on.” BS. Moving on…
Tyra Mail – “Y did the model cross the road? Guess you will have to find out 2morrow.” Runway time! The girls have their first teach with Miss J, and it’s boring. Next! More Tyra Mail – “2morrow u will really need 2 be in the swing of things.” Runway challenge – the girls will have to walk in a Rachel Roy fashion show, and the winner gets to keep the outfit. They walk down a giant staircase to the runway, which has pendulums swinging across it…this should be fun! A few of the girls get hit or have to stop short to avoid the pendulums, which looks ridiculous. Alexandra is the biggest loser (literally), she falls on the stairs and is clearly pissed off as she walks the runway. Then on her way back she gets hit by the last pendulum and falls off the runway. Next time she’s asked about her most embarrassing moment…yeah, that’s the one. And the winner is Brenda, and she and Jessica get to keep their ugly designer outfits.
The big drama starts in the house when Ren tells Alasia to shut the fuck up…hahaha…nice. Alasia has a little tantrum. Okay, a huge tantrum. Ren decides these girls are too much drama for her, and she doesn’t know if she wants to stay in the house. Um, telling people to stfu usually has the opposite effect. Lesson learned? Doubtful.
Tyra Mail – “Make ur mark b4 u disappear.” Photoshoot – The girls will get sprayed with purple “perfume”, then blasted with rain and wind. They will have to get the shot before the water and wind ruin the useless ugly perfume. This is a terrible photoshoot idea, Tyra. Let’s move on to judging. Alasia looked ridiculous and drooly. Alexandra needed coaching. Naduah made a blowup doll face. Tatianna was “perfection.” Brenda looked terrible. Anslee was gorgeous, Madonna-esque. Raina was Mr Jay’s favourite. Ren looked okay, but the judges didn’t like it. Best photo went to Raina, and the bottom two were Naduah and Ren. Ren is unpredictable and Tyra expected Naduah to be edgier. So Naduah is toast. That broad was annoying anyway.
Back to the photoshoot…so the girls get to choose one item by pulling it’s label off a terribly dressed mannequin. Why Tyra always sends them screaming and running, I have no idea. It’s not pretty. Oh, and by the way, Mr Jay is wearing a skirt. Wo. Here’s what each of the girls wore and what the judges thought at first panel:
Raina – ring – The judges loved it, she looks like a “courtesan” (AKA slut).
Alexandra – necklace – Her face was good, but her pose was forced. Uh, yeah, that’s what happens when you have to cover your tits with your hands.
Angelea – shoes – She did a great job, the judges loved it.
Simone – jacket – She needs the smize (ugh, I said it).
Tatianna – scarf – She got a good shot, but posed the same all the way through.
Anslee – clutch – “Almost a telescopic view into the nether regions…done with style.” Nice!
Gabrielle – leggings – “Catalog. The wrong catalog.”
Jessica – shorts – High fashion, a natural.
Brenda – watch – Her pose was awkward and she wasn’t selling the watch.
Naduah – sunglasses – They thought she looked artificial, but confident. Tyra fell for it, she wants to buy the sunglasses. Btw, they were hideous.
Alasia – vest – She looks like she’s pooping her hand, but the new judge likes it. Everyone else is laughing at her, and Nigel absolutely HATES it.
Ren – hat – Despite the gaudiest excuse for a hat that you’ve ever seen (it has mirrors on it), the judges think she looks like a woodland nymph. I guess that’s a good thing?
Krista – dress – Tyra thinks she looks like a 60s mannequin, that doesn’t sound good.
And the first Best Photo goes to – Jessica. This season, best photo not only means a giant mural of the chosen one displayed in the loft, but the winner will also get to participate in the next challenge prize, no matter how much she sucks at the challenge. Angelea is the runner up. The bottom two are Alasia and Gabrielle. Gabrielle is lovely in person, but her photo was unimpressive. Alasia is a beautiful girl, but she had a bad shot. And Gabrielle is sent home. Buh-ooh! The hand pooper wins because a crazy man wants to put her photo up in his “sal-on.” BS. Moving on…
Tyra Mail – “Y did the model cross the road? Guess you will have to find out 2morrow.” Runway time! The girls have their first teach with Miss J, and it’s boring. Next! More Tyra Mail – “2morrow u will really need 2 be in the swing of things.” Runway challenge – the girls will have to walk in a Rachel Roy fashion show, and the winner gets to keep the outfit. They walk down a giant staircase to the runway, which has pendulums swinging across it…this should be fun! A few of the girls get hit or have to stop short to avoid the pendulums, which looks ridiculous. Alexandra is the biggest loser (literally), she falls on the stairs and is clearly pissed off as she walks the runway. Then on her way back she gets hit by the last pendulum and falls off the runway. Next time she’s asked about her most embarrassing moment…yeah, that’s the one. And the winner is Brenda, and she and Jessica get to keep their ugly designer outfits.
The big drama starts in the house when Ren tells Alasia to shut the fuck up…hahaha…nice. Alasia has a little tantrum. Okay, a huge tantrum. Ren decides these girls are too much drama for her, and she doesn’t know if she wants to stay in the house. Um, telling people to stfu usually has the opposite effect. Lesson learned? Doubtful.
Tyra Mail – “Make ur mark b4 u disappear.” Photoshoot – The girls will get sprayed with purple “perfume”, then blasted with rain and wind. They will have to get the shot before the water and wind ruin the useless ugly perfume. This is a terrible photoshoot idea, Tyra. Let’s move on to judging. Alasia looked ridiculous and drooly. Alexandra needed coaching. Naduah made a blowup doll face. Tatianna was “perfection.” Brenda looked terrible. Anslee was gorgeous, Madonna-esque. Raina was Mr Jay’s favourite. Ren looked okay, but the judges didn’t like it. Best photo went to Raina, and the bottom two were Naduah and Ren. Ren is unpredictable and Tyra expected Naduah to be edgier. So Naduah is toast. That broad was annoying anyway.
ANTM Episode 1 - Be My Friend Tyra
Cycle 14 starts in Hollywood with 32 girls. Tyra reminds us how great she is and how she’s taking over the world. The selection process is set up like a lamer version of Facebook, Tyra’s myfiercepage.com, and the girls will compete to be one of Tyra’s 14 friends. Yuck. Twelve girls don’t make the first cut, including Cybill Shepherd’s goddaughter, plus-size Diana Ross, the opera talker, the Pakistani Texan, and some other forgettables. The remaining 20 girls have to pose as supermodels, and the judges will look at all their profiles and decide who makes the top 14. The judges hate the girls so much, they only pick 12 finalists:
Gabrielle – She’s mad at the world cause she’s not black enough.
Simone – She wants to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Or Hillary Clinton. Ha!
Jessica – The church girl from Arkansas, y’all.
Raina – This girl is all eyebrows. And the judges like it! Sick. It’s like Denise Richards stole Oscar the Grouch’s eyebrows.
Brenda – Trailer.
Anslee – More trailer.
Alasia – Straight outta the church revival, this one’s kinda funny, but definitely crazy.
Tatianna – The Hawaiian mortician who wants outta the lab…I wonder why.
Krista – The skinniest man-lady you’ve ever seen.
Angelea – Self-proclaimed ‘classy ghetto’, she’s been shortlisted before, but never made it this far.
Naduah – The cult baby.
Alexandra – The plus size girl.
Ren – Tyra has scoured the country looking for a 13th girl, and Ren’s it. No pressure.
And just to prove how much she hates these girls, Tyra gives them makeovers as soon as they arrive in NYC. Naduah has no hair, so she gets her eyebrows bleached. How exciting. Simone has one side of her head shaved. Raina gets to keep the unibrow and gets her hair dyed dark brown to match. Krista gets a slicked back fake pony to show off her cheekbones – and she hates it. Brenda is too sexy (I disagree) so she gets all her hair chopped off and she cries. Anslee wants to keep her long hair, but Tyra wants it short, and this one loves it. Atta girl! Angelea gets a super long light brown weave with big bangs. I think Tyra’s desperate to soften this girl up. And the best makeover this year? Ren, the free spirit. Not only does she get a haircut, she also gets an armpit trim and shave. Bahahaha…priceless.
This is the part where Dino chimes in “Is this ugly season?” Hehehe. The girls move into their new loft and get their first Tyra Mail – “Top models get maximum exposure, u must learn how to cover urself” (What’s with the 90’s shorthand?). It’s nude photoshoot time! To be continued…
Gabrielle – She’s mad at the world cause she’s not black enough.
Simone – She wants to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Or Hillary Clinton. Ha!
Jessica – The church girl from Arkansas, y’all.
Raina – This girl is all eyebrows. And the judges like it! Sick. It’s like Denise Richards stole Oscar the Grouch’s eyebrows.
Brenda – Trailer.
Anslee – More trailer.
Alasia – Straight outta the church revival, this one’s kinda funny, but definitely crazy.
Tatianna – The Hawaiian mortician who wants outta the lab…I wonder why.
Krista – The skinniest man-lady you’ve ever seen.
Angelea – Self-proclaimed ‘classy ghetto’, she’s been shortlisted before, but never made it this far.
Naduah – The cult baby.
Alexandra – The plus size girl.
Ren – Tyra has scoured the country looking for a 13th girl, and Ren’s it. No pressure.
And just to prove how much she hates these girls, Tyra gives them makeovers as soon as they arrive in NYC. Naduah has no hair, so she gets her eyebrows bleached. How exciting. Simone has one side of her head shaved. Raina gets to keep the unibrow and gets her hair dyed dark brown to match. Krista gets a slicked back fake pony to show off her cheekbones – and she hates it. Brenda is too sexy (I disagree) so she gets all her hair chopped off and she cries. Anslee wants to keep her long hair, but Tyra wants it short, and this one loves it. Atta girl! Angelea gets a super long light brown weave with big bangs. I think Tyra’s desperate to soften this girl up. And the best makeover this year? Ren, the free spirit. Not only does she get a haircut, she also gets an armpit trim and shave. Bahahaha…priceless.
This is the part where Dino chimes in “Is this ugly season?” Hehehe. The girls move into their new loft and get their first Tyra Mail – “Top models get maximum exposure, u must learn how to cover urself” (What’s with the 90’s shorthand?). It’s nude photoshoot time! To be continued…
back to the blog
ok, so ever since i watched julie and julia (which i mostly liked), i've been thinking about the blog i used to have. well, i finally looked for it yesterday, and it turns out there were only 4 posts, and they were from 2004-2005. so i toasted those and started over. the main thing you're going to see here will be antm recaps, and maybe i'll get more creative by the time this season is over. wish me luck!
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