The house is divided between the “straight forward…realest ppl in the house” (read: bitches) Krista, Angelea, Anslee and Alasia and the “people who need each other“ (read: sorority sisters) Jessica, Brenda and Raina. Girls are mean! Angelea’s picking fights for what seems like no reason at all. Alasia’s stuck in a room with the white girls and they ignore her and talk like she’s not there. Probably for fear that she’ll start running her mouth and never stop. Still, it’s just mean. Wait a second, what about Alexandra? I guess the big girls don’t get to play at all! Anyway, back to the playground…
Tyra Mail – “when u walk in, u might have a fit.” Alasia makes the girls late for their teach with Miss J and Ann Shoket. “That’s the 18 year old...ness, coming out.” Well said Brenda. Ugh. Today’s lesson: How to dress for a go-see. The girls go to the Seventeen fashion closet and learn how to dress for their body type. The girls will have 5 minutes to go through clothes and accessories and build the right outfit. Cue running and scrambling…no screaming this time…weird. The girls learn a few things and get to keep their outfits. Ah, there’s the screaming!
In the limo back to the loft, Jessica and Alasia get into it over Alasia being late and inconsiderate of everyone else. Of course Alasia flips out. Krista and Angelea are thoroughly enjoying themselves until Angelea says something stupid and Brenda calls her “uneducated.” Oh no you di’n’t! “My name is Brenda, not bitch.” Hahaha…this girl’s such a fool. She annoys the hell outta me. Back at the loft, Angelea parks herself in enemy territory, just looking for a reason to fight with Brenda. Or maybe just anyone?
Tyra Mail – “DING DONG!” The doorbell rings. A model delivers an invitation for the girls to attend a Tinsley Mortimer handbag launch party. They arrive and meet Mr Jay, who announces that their challenge will be a one-on-one with Tinsley, who will judge them on their style and personality. It’s all about public perception. Alasia is worried (as she should be!) about how she’s supposed to act around industry people. Brenda isn’t at all worried, she’s used to uppity parties. Gag me. The girls mingle until it’s their turn to sit down with Tinsley (worst name ever, btw). Anslee gets caught on a fashion question, and Alasia frightens Tinsley with her crazy talk and lack of filter. At least she’s being herself! Jay announces that Jessica won best photo last week, so she’ll get to participate in the challenge…at this point it’s kinda obvious she’s the challenge winner, because they never say that before they announce it. The winner will get to pick a friend to participate in a Seventeen photoshoot with her, so double winner Jessica gets to pick two friends. Guess who…her favourite roomies, Brenda and Raina.
Back at the nuthouse…Alasia is eavesdropping on Raina’s “confessional” where she hears Raina talking bad about her. She comes out all “oh…hey girl” and Alasia’s not having it. She goes into the confessional and starts smack-talking Raina. Of course Raina’s outside the door and invites Jessica over, and they start doing some weird seizure/Alasia impression. Are you kidding me? White girls are so lame…
Tyra Mail – “it’s time to take ur campaign underground.” The girls have a subway photoshoot that I like to call “It smell like pee down there!” Thank you Alasia. The girls get to the subway and wait for a train to arrive. Out steps Mr Jay, last year’s midget model winner Nicole (yay!) and a creepy photographer. Nicole’s advice to Angelea to avoid drama in the house? “Stay classy, you know?” Oops, too late! The sorority girls got a real kick outta that one! So, each girl will be a “New York woman” and have to pose in a moving subway car. Mr Jay thought Angelea had her best shoot by far in the competition, she modeled with confidence and a studied poise, and was the surprise of the night! Anslee kept snarling and making the I-smell-stinky-in-the-subway face. Brenda…could you look any worse? She was supposed to look young and fresh. She look old and boring. Alasia walks in all pose-pose-pose and Mr Jay says “CoverGirl, not two dollar hooker.” Bahahaha. Awesome. Oh, and after the shoot, Brenda tells us she has the most edgy look in the house, so she should win best photo. Um, how do you figure that? Oh, right, must be that CRAZY short hair you have. Ugh, get over yourself.
Panel – Tyra thinks the girls look “collectively” better…I think Tyra should have paid more attention at dressing-for-your-body-type class. Another wide shouldered, high-waist belted, giant hip, tapered leg disaster of a pantsuit. Yikes. I think Dianne Watts could show this lady a thing or two about the pantsuit!
Ok, here’s what kind of New York woman each model was supposed to be in her photoshoot:
Krista “aspiring actress” – Beautiful photo. Finally! This looked like a real CoverGirl shot.
Anslee “artist” – The little smirk wins over the judges.
Alexandra “upper east sider” – Another believable CoverGirl ad. Nigel thinks this is her best shot yet, and Ann would book her in a heartbeat. “This is a face that’s gonna sell makeup.” Well you can’t beat that! Or can you…
Angelea “fashionista” – Andre and Nigel are in love with this shot, sounds like a winner to me.
Raina “east village rockabilly” – No neck…that’s never good. But Andre still wants to see more from Raina. I bet.
Jessica “club goer” – I guess she stuck with the theme, cause she showed up in some skanky shoes that earned her Andre’s dreck-of-the-week prize. And she defended her shoes all the way. Gold shoes with blue flowers? Bitch, please. Back to the photos…Jessica looked confused and not very CoverGirl. The judges aren’t impressed with her “fake confidence.”
Brenda “student” – Blah, she looked like a mannequin. “No fire, no desire.” Sounds like trouble!
Alasia “model on a go-see” - Uh oh. We all know this can’t go well…and it doesn’t. This shot is also boring. But she looks more like a young student than Brenda. Just saying.
Sounds like the bottom two are going to be Brenda and Alasia. But first things first, best photo of the week goes to…Angelea. That one was obvious. Followed by Krista, Raina, Alexandra, Anslee and Jessica - who's giving attitude right til the end. Lil ho. And of course the bottom two are Brenda, who never got over her hair, and Alasia, who screwed up this week. And thank GOD, it’s Brenda who finally gets the boot.
Stay tuned for the next episode...which i may or may not be watching and recapping from a beach in Mexico. Adios amigos!
April 19, 2010
April 14, 2010
ANTM Episode 5 – Smile and Pose
Anslee gets a letter from her daughter, and has a little meltdown. She pretty much stays that way for the rest of the show. Boring.
Tyra Mail – “u don’t need 2 b a scientist 2 b good at chemistry.” The girls have a teach with Miss J about faking chemistry in a shoot with another model. They will have to ride a tram with a “shy male model” and break the ice. Turns out the shy male model is none other than Nigel Barker. Too bad it’s only the tram they get to ride… We see a few of the really awkward moments from some of the girls – Angelea does a hammer dance and Jessica practically attacks Nigel and tries to strip him down several times. You go girl! Needless to say, I don’t think Nigel will be volunteering to help out with the teach anytime soon.
From there, the girls use this lesson to help them in this week’s challenge. The judges are Nigel Barker and Ann Shoket of Seventeen magazine. The girls have to pose in a window for a lingerie shoot, and they will only have 5 frames. And that’s not the craziest part. The male model? Comedian Ross Mathews. You may know him as “Ross the Intern” from the Jay Leno Show (yeah, the old JL show that didn’t suck so much). I looked Ross up on Wikipedia. Under the heading “Personal life” there is one line: “Mathews has a dog named Louise.” Priceless. And he has a voice like a teenaged girl. Good luck ladies! The girls were mostly awkward, with a few good ideas and hopefully some good shots, because the winner would get over $6000 in diamond jewellery (btw, that’s 1 pair of earrings). Oh, and Alasia had THE worst excuse for lingerie I have ever seen. Green and covered in frills. She looked like deep and delicious cake with green icing. Blech. And the challenge winner was…Jessica. Apparently Ross wasn’t afraid of her. I wonder why. And as last week’s best photo winner, Alasia also won jewellery – a $5000 diamond encrusted ring. Payback for having to wear the cupcake suit, I’d say!
Tyra Mail – “2morrow ur going 2 find out who’s fake, and who keeps it real.” Photoshoot time on Canal Street, where the J’s are pretending to shop for knockoffs from a street vendor. Who then pretends to be a cop and bust Miss J. Not funny. Mr Jay tells the girls that knockoffs are the biggest fashion crime they could commit. Hm. Don’t make me tell you more about the cupcake underpants! For the photoshoot, the girls will be dressed in fake everything – from eyelashes and lips to shoes and purses. The fake street vendor/cop is D-Nice, New York photog and DJ. Lame. Most of the girls look absolutely ridiculous in their get-ups, but somehow Angelea seemed to be able to pull it off really well. Scary. And Alasia didn’t look too bad either.
At panel, Tyra was wearing pantsuit #5, an over-sized number she made outta her momma’s old 80’s track suit. From the fat years. It. Was. Hu-uge! It’s really too bad they didn’t post a picture of this one, maybe she realized how bad it was when she saw the tape. Here’s how the girls did this week:
Tatianna – Eek! The clown face was scary. The judges didn’t like that she only ever does one pose, she was lucky to get one good shot.
Raina – She noticed what the makeup artist did with her face and she sold the look. She just needed a bit more emotion in her face.
Jessica – She was jumping all over the place at the photoshoot, and she nailed it. The judges loved that her feet left the ground. Even Nigel had something nice to say – “She’s such a pretty girl, she can afford to go ugly…and still looks radiant.” Impressive, considering she mauled him earlier. And Nigel usually holds a grudge.
Krista – She looked like a neon green monster. Yikes. But the judges liked it.
Brenda – She lacked chemistry, and she just doesn’t get it.
Anslee – She was emotionally distraught and lost this week, but managed to pull it together near the end of the shoot. The judges thought her photo told a story, and she was fake in all the right ways.
Angelea – All the fake-up worked for her. Which is pretty funny, she seemed to be in her element. Her shot was high fashion. “It is fake. And so what!” No need to fake this one!
Alexandra – She wasn’t confident, so the spark wasn’t there, and the outfit is what carried the shot.
Alasia – The judges loved it (as usual), except that her face was down.
And best photo this week goes to…Jessica (I think Angelea’s photo was better). Followed by Angelea, Krista, Alasia, Anslee, Brenda, and Raina. And the bottom two were Alexandra and Tatianna. Alexandra is beautiful and statuesque, but she doesn’t know what to do with her body. Tatianna’s one good photo was luck not skill. And that’s why she got the boot!
Tyra Mail – “u don’t need 2 b a scientist 2 b good at chemistry.” The girls have a teach with Miss J about faking chemistry in a shoot with another model. They will have to ride a tram with a “shy male model” and break the ice. Turns out the shy male model is none other than Nigel Barker. Too bad it’s only the tram they get to ride… We see a few of the really awkward moments from some of the girls – Angelea does a hammer dance and Jessica practically attacks Nigel and tries to strip him down several times. You go girl! Needless to say, I don’t think Nigel will be volunteering to help out with the teach anytime soon.
From there, the girls use this lesson to help them in this week’s challenge. The judges are Nigel Barker and Ann Shoket of Seventeen magazine. The girls have to pose in a window for a lingerie shoot, and they will only have 5 frames. And that’s not the craziest part. The male model? Comedian Ross Mathews. You may know him as “Ross the Intern” from the Jay Leno Show (yeah, the old JL show that didn’t suck so much). I looked Ross up on Wikipedia. Under the heading “Personal life” there is one line: “Mathews has a dog named Louise.” Priceless. And he has a voice like a teenaged girl. Good luck ladies! The girls were mostly awkward, with a few good ideas and hopefully some good shots, because the winner would get over $6000 in diamond jewellery (btw, that’s 1 pair of earrings). Oh, and Alasia had THE worst excuse for lingerie I have ever seen. Green and covered in frills. She looked like deep and delicious cake with green icing. Blech. And the challenge winner was…Jessica. Apparently Ross wasn’t afraid of her. I wonder why. And as last week’s best photo winner, Alasia also won jewellery – a $5000 diamond encrusted ring. Payback for having to wear the cupcake suit, I’d say!
Tyra Mail – “2morrow ur going 2 find out who’s fake, and who keeps it real.” Photoshoot time on Canal Street, where the J’s are pretending to shop for knockoffs from a street vendor. Who then pretends to be a cop and bust Miss J. Not funny. Mr Jay tells the girls that knockoffs are the biggest fashion crime they could commit. Hm. Don’t make me tell you more about the cupcake underpants! For the photoshoot, the girls will be dressed in fake everything – from eyelashes and lips to shoes and purses. The fake street vendor/cop is D-Nice, New York photog and DJ. Lame. Most of the girls look absolutely ridiculous in their get-ups, but somehow Angelea seemed to be able to pull it off really well. Scary. And Alasia didn’t look too bad either.
At panel, Tyra was wearing pantsuit #5, an over-sized number she made outta her momma’s old 80’s track suit. From the fat years. It. Was. Hu-uge! It’s really too bad they didn’t post a picture of this one, maybe she realized how bad it was when she saw the tape. Here’s how the girls did this week:
Tatianna – Eek! The clown face was scary. The judges didn’t like that she only ever does one pose, she was lucky to get one good shot.
Raina – She noticed what the makeup artist did with her face and she sold the look. She just needed a bit more emotion in her face.
Jessica – She was jumping all over the place at the photoshoot, and she nailed it. The judges loved that her feet left the ground. Even Nigel had something nice to say – “She’s such a pretty girl, she can afford to go ugly…and still looks radiant.” Impressive, considering she mauled him earlier. And Nigel usually holds a grudge.
Krista – She looked like a neon green monster. Yikes. But the judges liked it.
Brenda – She lacked chemistry, and she just doesn’t get it.
Anslee – She was emotionally distraught and lost this week, but managed to pull it together near the end of the shoot. The judges thought her photo told a story, and she was fake in all the right ways.
Angelea – All the fake-up worked for her. Which is pretty funny, she seemed to be in her element. Her shot was high fashion. “It is fake. And so what!” No need to fake this one!
Alexandra – She wasn’t confident, so the spark wasn’t there, and the outfit is what carried the shot.
Alasia – The judges loved it (as usual), except that her face was down.
And best photo this week goes to…Jessica (I think Angelea’s photo was better). Followed by Angelea, Krista, Alasia, Anslee, Brenda, and Raina. And the bottom two were Alexandra and Tatianna. Alexandra is beautiful and statuesque, but she doesn’t know what to do with her body. Tatianna’s one good photo was luck not skill. And that’s why she got the boot!
April 1, 2010
ANTM Episode 4 – America’s Next Top Vampire
Tyra Mail – “When things don’t go ur way, sometimes u need 2 improvise.” The girls have an improv teach, where they have to act out “emotional scenes.” Like changing a tractor tire, washing a car, riding a horse…while acting shocked, depressed, nervous…you get the picture. Blah. In other news…Miss J met the girls at the theatre, and he was actually dressed in men’s clothing!
As promised last week, Tyra sends Sally Hershberger to the loft to give Brenda a more edgy do. She trims up the sides and spikes up the top – a little 80’s punk. Looks fab. Aaaaaand Brenda hates it. Ugh. This broad… She’s convinced she can’t possibly do as well as the other girls with her short hair…well not with that attitude!
Tyra Mail – “2morrow u r really going 2 blow up.” The girls go to Times Square (I think. I may have just made up that part.) and are given their next challenge from actress and CoverGirl model Dania Ramirez – who, I gotta tell ya, has a pretty nice ass! They will have to ‘’model between the lines” in a 30-second CoverGirl commercial, which will air live on the big outdoor screen. So no lines to memorize and deliver, just acting/modelling while a voice-over does the talking. You’d think this would be easy for aspiring models. Not so much. All the girls were holding back, but Tatianna decided she was gonna try something different. She looked ridiculous. And got the attention of the crowd and judge sweet-ass. Easy win. Tatianna steals herself a CoverGirl advertorial which will appear in Seventeen magazine and on covergirl.com. I guess Simone gets in on this one too, since she was last week’s challenge winner.
The girls go back to the house, and Alasia and Anslee start a fight over some frozen veg. Alasia throws in a comment about how Anslee must be raising her daughter (oh no you di’n’t!) and Anslee comes outta the trailer again. We’ve already seen both of these crazy broads do this, so no surprise here. But quite ridiculously entertaining, I must say.
Tyra Mail – “2morrow, b ware of the no neck monster.” I hated this Tyra Mail more than most. It just doesn’t really work. Ok, so Mr Jay comes out acting like a vampire, all evil eyes and afraid of the light. They even throw in a fake red flash in his eyes at one point…ugh, you’re killing me here, Tyra! So…the girls will be turned into vampires, wearing white-out lenses that will completely obscure their vision. Brenda’s all “ this is gonna be hard for me.” Because you have a cute short haircut? You poor thing. Now shut it! Each girl will pose in a tub of blood with a not-so-cute male model – also a vampire. Seriously? I never want to see a vampire again…please tell me the craze is almost over…damn you Stephenie Meyer.
Back at panel – again, Tyra, with the one piece pantsuit. Even though this one is a colour, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s even worse than last week. Looks like her mom made it for her. In the 80’s. All wrong. Let’s talk about the amateurs instead:
Angelea had no problem with the contacts. “Like, buh-dam!” and they were in. But the judges thought she wasn’t quite there this week, and she earned the dreck-of-the-week award for her nasty toes hangin’ out the tub. Alasia’s photo is beautiful and sensual, and the judges LOVE it. She pulls off a skanky pose in a not-so-skanky way. Tyra likes. Alexandra impressed Mr Jay this week, but I honestly can’t remember anything the judges said. Oops. Krista made a stinky face. Jessica was just okay. Tyra liked her look, but Andre whatshisface thinks she’s boring. Brenda stands in front of the judges, and they like her new hair. Lady doesn’t say an effin’ word about how much she hates her hair. And cried because she couldn’t put in her white contacts. On the bright side, Andre thinks Brenda “would be fabulous as a housewife.” Hehehe…suck it, Brenda. So anyway, good face (and hair!), but the body was all wrong. Tatianna was almost too good at this shoot, the little slut. Raina was dark and edgy, and looks like she just got bit and now she’s hungry. I think she just looks like she’s getting out of a bloody bathtub. I kinda hate it. But apparently Raina can do no wrong. Broad’s gonna win the whole thing and I’m gonna be pissed. Anslee was not so good, the judges thought she looked confused in her photo. And Nigel just hates her. Simone needed to be pushed and she improved with Jay’s help, but the photo wasn’t good enough. Oh, and the photographer was a little bitch. It was great.
And this week’s best photo goes to…Alasia. Oh, snap! Followed by Raina, Tatianna, Brenda, Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica and Krista. The bottom two were Anslee and Simone. My two picks. Fack. What is wrong with me? Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat. And the judges don’t like her excuses. Simone has strong potential, but it’s not coming across in her photos. She can’t portray on the outside what she’s feeling on the inside…ugh, Tyra… And Simone gets the boot. Mother Eff. Five more into the pot!
Tune in next week for an awkward situation where Jessica tries to pick up Nigel in a gondola…whut?
As promised last week, Tyra sends Sally Hershberger to the loft to give Brenda a more edgy do. She trims up the sides and spikes up the top – a little 80’s punk. Looks fab. Aaaaaand Brenda hates it. Ugh. This broad… She’s convinced she can’t possibly do as well as the other girls with her short hair…well not with that attitude!
Tyra Mail – “2morrow u r really going 2 blow up.” The girls go to Times Square (I think. I may have just made up that part.) and are given their next challenge from actress and CoverGirl model Dania Ramirez – who, I gotta tell ya, has a pretty nice ass! They will have to ‘’model between the lines” in a 30-second CoverGirl commercial, which will air live on the big outdoor screen. So no lines to memorize and deliver, just acting/modelling while a voice-over does the talking. You’d think this would be easy for aspiring models. Not so much. All the girls were holding back, but Tatianna decided she was gonna try something different. She looked ridiculous. And got the attention of the crowd and judge sweet-ass. Easy win. Tatianna steals herself a CoverGirl advertorial which will appear in Seventeen magazine and on covergirl.com. I guess Simone gets in on this one too, since she was last week’s challenge winner.
The girls go back to the house, and Alasia and Anslee start a fight over some frozen veg. Alasia throws in a comment about how Anslee must be raising her daughter (oh no you di’n’t!) and Anslee comes outta the trailer again. We’ve already seen both of these crazy broads do this, so no surprise here. But quite ridiculously entertaining, I must say.
Tyra Mail – “2morrow, b ware of the no neck monster.” I hated this Tyra Mail more than most. It just doesn’t really work. Ok, so Mr Jay comes out acting like a vampire, all evil eyes and afraid of the light. They even throw in a fake red flash in his eyes at one point…ugh, you’re killing me here, Tyra! So…the girls will be turned into vampires, wearing white-out lenses that will completely obscure their vision. Brenda’s all “ this is gonna be hard for me.” Because you have a cute short haircut? You poor thing. Now shut it! Each girl will pose in a tub of blood with a not-so-cute male model – also a vampire. Seriously? I never want to see a vampire again…please tell me the craze is almost over…damn you Stephenie Meyer.
Back at panel – again, Tyra, with the one piece pantsuit. Even though this one is a colour, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s even worse than last week. Looks like her mom made it for her. In the 80’s. All wrong. Let’s talk about the amateurs instead:
Angelea had no problem with the contacts. “Like, buh-dam!” and they were in. But the judges thought she wasn’t quite there this week, and she earned the dreck-of-the-week award for her nasty toes hangin’ out the tub. Alasia’s photo is beautiful and sensual, and the judges LOVE it. She pulls off a skanky pose in a not-so-skanky way. Tyra likes. Alexandra impressed Mr Jay this week, but I honestly can’t remember anything the judges said. Oops. Krista made a stinky face. Jessica was just okay. Tyra liked her look, but Andre whatshisface thinks she’s boring. Brenda stands in front of the judges, and they like her new hair. Lady doesn’t say an effin’ word about how much she hates her hair. And cried because she couldn’t put in her white contacts. On the bright side, Andre thinks Brenda “would be fabulous as a housewife.” Hehehe…suck it, Brenda. So anyway, good face (and hair!), but the body was all wrong. Tatianna was almost too good at this shoot, the little slut. Raina was dark and edgy, and looks like she just got bit and now she’s hungry. I think she just looks like she’s getting out of a bloody bathtub. I kinda hate it. But apparently Raina can do no wrong. Broad’s gonna win the whole thing and I’m gonna be pissed. Anslee was not so good, the judges thought she looked confused in her photo. And Nigel just hates her. Simone needed to be pushed and she improved with Jay’s help, but the photo wasn’t good enough. Oh, and the photographer was a little bitch. It was great.
And this week’s best photo goes to…Alasia. Oh, snap! Followed by Raina, Tatianna, Brenda, Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica and Krista. The bottom two were Anslee and Simone. My two picks. Fack. What is wrong with me? Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat. And the judges don’t like her excuses. Simone has strong potential, but it’s not coming across in her photos. She can’t portray on the outside what she’s feeling on the inside…ugh, Tyra… And Simone gets the boot. Mother Eff. Five more into the pot!
Tune in next week for an awkward situation where Jessica tries to pick up Nigel in a gondola…whut?
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