ANTM Episode 4 – America’s Next Top Vampire

Tyra Mail – “When things don’t go ur way, sometimes u need 2 improvise.” The girls have an improv teach, where they have to act out “emotional scenes.” Like changing a tractor tire, washing a car, riding a horse…while acting shocked, depressed, nervous…you get the picture. Blah. In other news…Miss J met the girls at the theatre, and he was actually dressed in men’s clothing!

As promised last week, Tyra sends Sally Hershberger to the loft to give Brenda a more edgy do. She trims up the sides and spikes up the top – a little 80’s punk. Looks fab. Aaaaaand Brenda hates it. Ugh. This broad… She’s convinced she can’t possibly do as well as the other girls with her short hair…well not with that attitude!

Tyra Mail – “2morrow u r really going 2 blow up.” The girls go to Times Square (I think. I may have just made up that part.) and are given their next challenge from actress and CoverGirl model Dania Ramirez – who, I gotta tell ya, has a pretty nice ass! They will have to ‘’model between the lines” in a 30-second CoverGirl commercial, which will air live on the big outdoor screen. So no lines to memorize and deliver, just acting/modelling while a voice-over does the talking. You’d think this would be easy for aspiring models. Not so much. All the girls were holding back, but Tatianna decided she was gonna try something different. She looked ridiculous. And got the attention of the crowd and judge sweet-ass. Easy win. Tatianna steals herself a CoverGirl advertorial which will appear in Seventeen magazine and on covergirl.com. I guess Simone gets in on this one too, since she was last week’s challenge winner.

The girls go back to the house, and Alasia and Anslee start a fight over some frozen veg. Alasia throws in a comment about how Anslee must be raising her daughter (oh no you di’n’t!) and Anslee comes outta the trailer again. We’ve already seen both of these crazy broads do this, so no surprise here. But quite ridiculously entertaining, I must say.

Tyra Mail – “2morrow, b ware of the no neck monster.” I hated this Tyra Mail more than most. It just doesn’t really work. Ok, so Mr Jay comes out acting like a vampire, all evil eyes and afraid of the light. They even throw in a fake red flash in his eyes at one point…ugh, you’re killing me here, Tyra! So…the girls will be turned into vampires, wearing white-out lenses that will completely obscure their vision. Brenda’s all “ this is gonna be hard for me.” Because you have a cute short haircut? You poor thing. Now shut it! Each girl will pose in a tub of blood with a not-so-cute male model – also a vampire. Seriously? I never want to see a vampire again…please tell me the craze is almost over…damn you Stephenie Meyer.

Back at panel – again, Tyra, with the one piece pantsuit. Even though this one is a colour, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s even worse than last week. Looks like her mom made it for her. In the 80’s. All wrong. Let’s talk about the amateurs instead:
Angelea had no problem with the contacts. “Like, buh-dam!” and they were in. But the judges thought she wasn’t quite there this week, and she earned the dreck-of-the-week award for her nasty toes hangin’ out the tub. Alasia’s photo is beautiful and sensual, and the judges LOVE it. She pulls off a skanky pose in a not-so-skanky way. Tyra likes. Alexandra impressed Mr Jay this week, but I honestly can’t remember anything the judges said. Oops. Krista made a stinky face. Jessica was just okay. Tyra liked her look, but Andre whatshisface thinks she’s boring. Brenda stands in front of the judges, and they like her new hair. Lady doesn’t say an effin’ word about how much she hates her hair. And cried because she couldn’t put in her white contacts. On the bright side, Andre thinks Brenda “would be fabulous as a housewife.” Hehehe…suck it, Brenda. So anyway, good face (and hair!), but the body was all wrong. Tatianna was almost too good at this shoot, the little slut. Raina was dark and edgy, and looks like she just got bit and now she’s hungry. I think she just looks like she’s getting out of a bloody bathtub. I kinda hate it. But apparently Raina can do no wrong. Broad’s gonna win the whole thing and I’m gonna be pissed. Anslee was not so good, the judges thought she looked confused in her photo. And Nigel just hates her. Simone needed to be pushed and she improved with Jay’s help, but the photo wasn’t good enough. Oh, and the photographer was a little bitch. It was great.

And this week’s best photo goes to…Alasia. Oh, snap! Followed by Raina, Tatianna, Brenda, Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica and Krista. The bottom two were Anslee and Simone. My two picks. Fack. What is wrong with me? Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat. And the judges don’t like her excuses. Simone has strong potential, but it’s not coming across in her photos. She can’t portray on the outside what she’s feeling on the inside…ugh, Tyra… And Simone gets the boot. Mother Eff. Five more into the pot!

Tune in next week for an awkward situation where Jessica tries to pick up Nigel in a gondola…whut?