The show starts, as usual, with a little foreshadowing of what’s going to happen this week – Raina’s eyebrows are on the wall; Brenda is having a little identity crisis with her new hair; Ren is still in the game despite last week’s H1N1 shot, and she reveals that she’s in it to earn mommy’s love; Simone gave up 25k in tuition to join the show – what! Someone give this girl a job, stat!
Tyra Mail – “ur fashion knowledge can really take you places. or maybe not…” The girls get on the “Fab Bus” with Cycle 3 ANTMer, Toccara Jones. Now that’s what I call a plus-size model! The Fab Bus is a game show that will test the models’ fashion knowledge while they drive around the city. Lame. Since Raina had the best pic last week, she is Toccara’s assistant (yeah, she just sits there looking…well, let’s just call it pretty), and the rest of the girls split into 2 teams. Tocarra’s talk show host voice is the most annoying thing so far. Let’s skip to the important part…the winning team is Krista, Angelea, Simone, Alexandra and Jessica. The prize is go-sees at bluefly.com HQ and $500 GCs for all. The winner of the go-sees will get even more dough to spend, and a spot in the bluefly spring ad campaign. The losers are Brenda, Alasia, Anslee, Ren and Tatianna. They go to bluefly too, but they are sent to “the cage”…that’s the back room, where they have to receive new inventory. Suck. Anslee is pissed because Brenda choked on an easy question. I think she might just go trailer on her trailer ass!
The winners arrive for their go-sees. Raina is beautiful. Hm! Jessica is too thin…too thin for a model? That can’t be good. Angelea has a great personality (ha!) but sucked at selling her outfit. Alexandra has a beautiful face, and would be perfect for editorial…meaning they think she’s too fat to model. Simone was terrific, had a beautiful face, beautiful legs, and shoulders like a football player. Okay, so I may have exaggerated that one just a little. Krista ‘understands her body’ and knows what she’s doing. And the winner is…Simone. Since it was sort of a double challenge this week, I have awarded points to all 5 winners, plus an extra point to Simone. Boo.
Back at the loft, Brenda starts being bossy and Krista ain’t havin’ it! She calls Brenda ‘Geppetto’…bahaha…and when she leaves the room they call her Chucky. Well, little miss I-hate-drama Ren goes and tattles to Brenda, who won’t shut up about it for the rest of the night. Anslee tells her to stuff it “honey”, and Battle Trailer has begun. Called it.
Tyra Mail – “Top models always need 2 b in step.” The girls will be assigned a dance style for their photoshoot, and will receive a short one-on-one lesson from dance theatre vet, Troy Powell. Whoever that is. Oh, and Mr Jay is wearing pretty pants. Jealous.
Let’s just skip to judging and find out how they did. First of all, Tyra. What. The. Eff. She’s wearing some kind of one-piece nude pantsuit with giant shoulders…ugh…thanks Stef, for giving this a name – Vulcan Spanx. Without the benefits of Spanx, I might add. Moving on…this week’s guest judge is Sean Patterson, Mr Wilhelmina modelling agency. Smarten up girls! And what does Alasia decide to wear to panel today? A bloody metallic silver bathing suit instead of a shirt. Gawd! Ok, here’s how the girls did:
Anslee – Rhythmic Dancing – Pretty, but she missed the model boat…”Not fashion at all…her face is going for the gold, but her body doesn’t even get the bronze.”
Jessica – Salsa – She needed more passion…not good if your dance style is salsa, girl.
Tatianna – Tap – This outfit looked ridiculous. Her close-up shot was “dynamite” but it was the one lucky shot in her whole film. Oops.
Angelea – Moshing – Um, that’s not a dance. But the judges loved the shot. Lucky.
Ren – Disco – Mr Jay was bored at the shoot, and the judges hated it. Tyra asks Ren if she wants to stay or leave? Cut to commercial…ugh…of course she wants to stay! But I’m not convinced.
Alexandra – Break Dancing – She said she was “channelling Run DMC”…haha…well it worked. The judges were impressed with the big girl’s moves! I think this one’s my fave pic this week.
Raina – Jazz – The judges loved it. I hated it.
Brenda – African – This photoshoot was a downer, Jay was just mean, and Brenda doesn’t understand “on the count of three.” Brenda is the dreck winner of the week with her accountant outfit and terrible SNL-sketch giraffe shot. Ouch.
Krista – Ballet – Gentle face, awkward hands. Somehow this is what makes it fashion.
Alasia – Interpretive Dance – The girls all made fun of Alasia while she was on set, but the judges love her gorgeous shot. “The photo is as good as her outfit is bad.” Hehehe.
Simone – Hip Hop – This girl is white. Everyone is convinced. Even Simone! Hey, let’s give the black girl hip-hop, it’ll be a challenge. Seriously, it was.
And this week’s best photo is…Alasia. Are you kidding me?
Followed by Angelea, Jessica, Alexandra, Krista, Raina, Tatianna, Anslee and the bottom two – Ren and Brenda.
Ren was hand-picked by Tyra, and she has the goods…but not the wants. Brenda stays in. “Woo child, where is her station wagon?” Love it. Dr. Tyra gives Ren a little pep-talk and squeezes an apology out of her.
Well fuck. I'm out...there’s the first addition to the pot...
March 31, 2010
ANTM Episode 2 – Dreckitude!
I think we’re going to be hearing this word a lot now that new judge Andre Leon Talley is on the show. Apparently he likes to make up words. Basically, Dreckitude means “it’s shit.” And I think Tyra’s afraid of him cause he’s fashion mafia…who knows. But she’s already cut back on the word smize, thank you Jesus! So far Andre is entertaining, but he’s no Janice Dickinson. Which reminds me, Paulina Porizkova is FINALLY gone. Sweetness.
Back to the photoshoot…so the girls get to choose one item by pulling it’s label off a terribly dressed mannequin. Why Tyra always sends them screaming and running, I have no idea. It’s not pretty. Oh, and by the way, Mr Jay is wearing a skirt. Wo. Here’s what each of the girls wore and what the judges thought at first panel:
Raina – ring – The judges loved it, she looks like a “courtesan” (AKA slut).
Alexandra – necklace – Her face was good, but her pose was forced. Uh, yeah, that’s what happens when you have to cover your tits with your hands.
Angelea – shoes – She did a great job, the judges loved it.
Simone – jacket – She needs the smize (ugh, I said it).
Tatianna – scarf – She got a good shot, but posed the same all the way through.
Anslee – clutch – “Almost a telescopic view into the nether regions…done with style.” Nice!
Gabrielle – leggings – “Catalog. The wrong catalog.”
Jessica – shorts – High fashion, a natural.
Brenda – watch – Her pose was awkward and she wasn’t selling the watch.
Naduah – sunglasses – They thought she looked artificial, but confident. Tyra fell for it, she wants to buy the sunglasses. Btw, they were hideous.
Alasia – vest – She looks like she’s pooping her hand, but the new judge likes it. Everyone else is laughing at her, and Nigel absolutely HATES it.
Ren – hat – Despite the gaudiest excuse for a hat that you’ve ever seen (it has mirrors on it), the judges think she looks like a woodland nymph. I guess that’s a good thing?
Krista – dress – Tyra thinks she looks like a 60s mannequin, that doesn’t sound good.
And the first Best Photo goes to – Jessica. This season, best photo not only means a giant mural of the chosen one displayed in the loft, but the winner will also get to participate in the next challenge prize, no matter how much she sucks at the challenge. Angelea is the runner up. The bottom two are Alasia and Gabrielle. Gabrielle is lovely in person, but her photo was unimpressive. Alasia is a beautiful girl, but she had a bad shot. And Gabrielle is sent home. Buh-ooh! The hand pooper wins because a crazy man wants to put her photo up in his “sal-on.” BS. Moving on…
Tyra Mail – “Y did the model cross the road? Guess you will have to find out 2morrow.” Runway time! The girls have their first teach with Miss J, and it’s boring. Next! More Tyra Mail – “2morrow u will really need 2 be in the swing of things.” Runway challenge – the girls will have to walk in a Rachel Roy fashion show, and the winner gets to keep the outfit. They walk down a giant staircase to the runway, which has pendulums swinging across it…this should be fun! A few of the girls get hit or have to stop short to avoid the pendulums, which looks ridiculous. Alexandra is the biggest loser (literally), she falls on the stairs and is clearly pissed off as she walks the runway. Then on her way back she gets hit by the last pendulum and falls off the runway. Next time she’s asked about her most embarrassing moment…yeah, that’s the one. And the winner is Brenda, and she and Jessica get to keep their ugly designer outfits.
The big drama starts in the house when Ren tells Alasia to shut the fuck up…hahaha…nice. Alasia has a little tantrum. Okay, a huge tantrum. Ren decides these girls are too much drama for her, and she doesn’t know if she wants to stay in the house. Um, telling people to stfu usually has the opposite effect. Lesson learned? Doubtful.
Tyra Mail – “Make ur mark b4 u disappear.” Photoshoot – The girls will get sprayed with purple “perfume”, then blasted with rain and wind. They will have to get the shot before the water and wind ruin the useless ugly perfume. This is a terrible photoshoot idea, Tyra. Let’s move on to judging. Alasia looked ridiculous and drooly. Alexandra needed coaching. Naduah made a blowup doll face. Tatianna was “perfection.” Brenda looked terrible. Anslee was gorgeous, Madonna-esque. Raina was Mr Jay’s favourite. Ren looked okay, but the judges didn’t like it. Best photo went to Raina, and the bottom two were Naduah and Ren. Ren is unpredictable and Tyra expected Naduah to be edgier. So Naduah is toast. That broad was annoying anyway.
Back to the photoshoot…so the girls get to choose one item by pulling it’s label off a terribly dressed mannequin. Why Tyra always sends them screaming and running, I have no idea. It’s not pretty. Oh, and by the way, Mr Jay is wearing a skirt. Wo. Here’s what each of the girls wore and what the judges thought at first panel:
Raina – ring – The judges loved it, she looks like a “courtesan” (AKA slut).
Alexandra – necklace – Her face was good, but her pose was forced. Uh, yeah, that’s what happens when you have to cover your tits with your hands.
Angelea – shoes – She did a great job, the judges loved it.
Simone – jacket – She needs the smize (ugh, I said it).
Tatianna – scarf – She got a good shot, but posed the same all the way through.
Anslee – clutch – “Almost a telescopic view into the nether regions…done with style.” Nice!
Gabrielle – leggings – “Catalog. The wrong catalog.”
Jessica – shorts – High fashion, a natural.
Brenda – watch – Her pose was awkward and she wasn’t selling the watch.
Naduah – sunglasses – They thought she looked artificial, but confident. Tyra fell for it, she wants to buy the sunglasses. Btw, they were hideous.
Alasia – vest – She looks like she’s pooping her hand, but the new judge likes it. Everyone else is laughing at her, and Nigel absolutely HATES it.
Ren – hat – Despite the gaudiest excuse for a hat that you’ve ever seen (it has mirrors on it), the judges think she looks like a woodland nymph. I guess that’s a good thing?
Krista – dress – Tyra thinks she looks like a 60s mannequin, that doesn’t sound good.
And the first Best Photo goes to – Jessica. This season, best photo not only means a giant mural of the chosen one displayed in the loft, but the winner will also get to participate in the next challenge prize, no matter how much she sucks at the challenge. Angelea is the runner up. The bottom two are Alasia and Gabrielle. Gabrielle is lovely in person, but her photo was unimpressive. Alasia is a beautiful girl, but she had a bad shot. And Gabrielle is sent home. Buh-ooh! The hand pooper wins because a crazy man wants to put her photo up in his “sal-on.” BS. Moving on…
Tyra Mail – “Y did the model cross the road? Guess you will have to find out 2morrow.” Runway time! The girls have their first teach with Miss J, and it’s boring. Next! More Tyra Mail – “2morrow u will really need 2 be in the swing of things.” Runway challenge – the girls will have to walk in a Rachel Roy fashion show, and the winner gets to keep the outfit. They walk down a giant staircase to the runway, which has pendulums swinging across it…this should be fun! A few of the girls get hit or have to stop short to avoid the pendulums, which looks ridiculous. Alexandra is the biggest loser (literally), she falls on the stairs and is clearly pissed off as she walks the runway. Then on her way back she gets hit by the last pendulum and falls off the runway. Next time she’s asked about her most embarrassing moment…yeah, that’s the one. And the winner is Brenda, and she and Jessica get to keep their ugly designer outfits.
The big drama starts in the house when Ren tells Alasia to shut the fuck up…hahaha…nice. Alasia has a little tantrum. Okay, a huge tantrum. Ren decides these girls are too much drama for her, and she doesn’t know if she wants to stay in the house. Um, telling people to stfu usually has the opposite effect. Lesson learned? Doubtful.
Tyra Mail – “Make ur mark b4 u disappear.” Photoshoot – The girls will get sprayed with purple “perfume”, then blasted with rain and wind. They will have to get the shot before the water and wind ruin the useless ugly perfume. This is a terrible photoshoot idea, Tyra. Let’s move on to judging. Alasia looked ridiculous and drooly. Alexandra needed coaching. Naduah made a blowup doll face. Tatianna was “perfection.” Brenda looked terrible. Anslee was gorgeous, Madonna-esque. Raina was Mr Jay’s favourite. Ren looked okay, but the judges didn’t like it. Best photo went to Raina, and the bottom two were Naduah and Ren. Ren is unpredictable and Tyra expected Naduah to be edgier. So Naduah is toast. That broad was annoying anyway.
ANTM Episode 1 - Be My Friend Tyra
Cycle 14 starts in Hollywood with 32 girls. Tyra reminds us how great she is and how she’s taking over the world. The selection process is set up like a lamer version of Facebook, Tyra’s myfiercepage.com, and the girls will compete to be one of Tyra’s 14 friends. Yuck. Twelve girls don’t make the first cut, including Cybill Shepherd’s goddaughter, plus-size Diana Ross, the opera talker, the Pakistani Texan, and some other forgettables. The remaining 20 girls have to pose as supermodels, and the judges will look at all their profiles and decide who makes the top 14. The judges hate the girls so much, they only pick 12 finalists:
Gabrielle – She’s mad at the world cause she’s not black enough.
Simone – She wants to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Or Hillary Clinton. Ha!
Jessica – The church girl from Arkansas, y’all.
Raina – This girl is all eyebrows. And the judges like it! Sick. It’s like Denise Richards stole Oscar the Grouch’s eyebrows.
Brenda – Trailer.
Anslee – More trailer.
Alasia – Straight outta the church revival, this one’s kinda funny, but definitely crazy.
Tatianna – The Hawaiian mortician who wants outta the lab…I wonder why.
Krista – The skinniest man-lady you’ve ever seen.
Angelea – Self-proclaimed ‘classy ghetto’, she’s been shortlisted before, but never made it this far.
Naduah – The cult baby.
Alexandra – The plus size girl.
Ren – Tyra has scoured the country looking for a 13th girl, and Ren’s it. No pressure.
And just to prove how much she hates these girls, Tyra gives them makeovers as soon as they arrive in NYC. Naduah has no hair, so she gets her eyebrows bleached. How exciting. Simone has one side of her head shaved. Raina gets to keep the unibrow and gets her hair dyed dark brown to match. Krista gets a slicked back fake pony to show off her cheekbones – and she hates it. Brenda is too sexy (I disagree) so she gets all her hair chopped off and she cries. Anslee wants to keep her long hair, but Tyra wants it short, and this one loves it. Atta girl! Angelea gets a super long light brown weave with big bangs. I think Tyra’s desperate to soften this girl up. And the best makeover this year? Ren, the free spirit. Not only does she get a haircut, she also gets an armpit trim and shave. Bahahaha…priceless.
This is the part where Dino chimes in “Is this ugly season?” Hehehe. The girls move into their new loft and get their first Tyra Mail – “Top models get maximum exposure, u must learn how to cover urself” (What’s with the 90’s shorthand?). It’s nude photoshoot time! To be continued…
Gabrielle – She’s mad at the world cause she’s not black enough.
Simone – She wants to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Or Hillary Clinton. Ha!
Jessica – The church girl from Arkansas, y’all.
Raina – This girl is all eyebrows. And the judges like it! Sick. It’s like Denise Richards stole Oscar the Grouch’s eyebrows.
Brenda – Trailer.
Anslee – More trailer.
Alasia – Straight outta the church revival, this one’s kinda funny, but definitely crazy.
Tatianna – The Hawaiian mortician who wants outta the lab…I wonder why.
Krista – The skinniest man-lady you’ve ever seen.
Angelea – Self-proclaimed ‘classy ghetto’, she’s been shortlisted before, but never made it this far.
Naduah – The cult baby.
Alexandra – The plus size girl.
Ren – Tyra has scoured the country looking for a 13th girl, and Ren’s it. No pressure.
And just to prove how much she hates these girls, Tyra gives them makeovers as soon as they arrive in NYC. Naduah has no hair, so she gets her eyebrows bleached. How exciting. Simone has one side of her head shaved. Raina gets to keep the unibrow and gets her hair dyed dark brown to match. Krista gets a slicked back fake pony to show off her cheekbones – and she hates it. Brenda is too sexy (I disagree) so she gets all her hair chopped off and she cries. Anslee wants to keep her long hair, but Tyra wants it short, and this one loves it. Atta girl! Angelea gets a super long light brown weave with big bangs. I think Tyra’s desperate to soften this girl up. And the best makeover this year? Ren, the free spirit. Not only does she get a haircut, she also gets an armpit trim and shave. Bahahaha…priceless.
This is the part where Dino chimes in “Is this ugly season?” Hehehe. The girls move into their new loft and get their first Tyra Mail – “Top models get maximum exposure, u must learn how to cover urself” (What’s with the 90’s shorthand?). It’s nude photoshoot time! To be continued…
back to the blog
ok, so ever since i watched julie and julia (which i mostly liked), i've been thinking about the blog i used to have. well, i finally looked for it yesterday, and it turns out there were only 4 posts, and they were from 2004-2005. so i toasted those and started over. the main thing you're going to see here will be antm recaps, and maybe i'll get more creative by the time this season is over. wish me luck!
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