Cycle 14 starts in Hollywood with 32 girls. Tyra reminds us how great she is and how she’s taking over the world. The selection process is set up like a lamer version of Facebook, Tyra’s myfiercepage.com, and the girls will compete to be one of Tyra’s 14 friends. Yuck. Twelve girls don’t make the first cut, including Cybill Shepherd’s goddaughter, plus-size Diana Ross, the opera talker, the Pakistani Texan, and some other forgettables. The remaining 20 girls have to pose as supermodels, and the judges will look at all their profiles and decide who makes the top 14. The judges hate the girls so much, they only pick 12 finalists:
Gabrielle – She’s mad at the world cause she’s not black enough.
Simone – She wants to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Or Hillary Clinton. Ha!
Jessica – The church girl from Arkansas, y’all.
Raina – This girl is all eyebrows. And the judges like it! Sick. It’s like Denise Richards stole Oscar the Grouch’s eyebrows.
Brenda – Trailer.
Anslee – More trailer.
Alasia – Straight outta the church revival, this one’s kinda funny, but definitely crazy.
Tatianna – The Hawaiian mortician who wants outta the lab…I wonder why.
Krista – The skinniest man-lady you’ve ever seen.
Angelea – Self-proclaimed ‘classy ghetto’, she’s been shortlisted before, but never made it this far.
Naduah – The cult baby.
Alexandra – The plus size girl.
Ren – Tyra has scoured the country looking for a 13th girl, and Ren’s it. No pressure.
And just to prove how much she hates these girls, Tyra gives them makeovers as soon as they arrive in NYC. Naduah has no hair, so she gets her eyebrows bleached. How exciting. Simone has one side of her head shaved. Raina gets to keep the unibrow and gets her hair dyed dark brown to match. Krista gets a slicked back fake pony to show off her cheekbones – and she hates it. Brenda is too sexy (I disagree) so she gets all her hair chopped off and she cries. Anslee wants to keep her long hair, but Tyra wants it short, and this one loves it. Atta girl! Angelea gets a super long light brown weave with big bangs. I think Tyra’s desperate to soften this girl up. And the best makeover this year? Ren, the free spirit. Not only does she get a haircut, she also gets an armpit trim and shave. Bahahaha…priceless.
This is the part where Dino chimes in “Is this ugly season?” Hehehe. The girls move into their new loft and get their first Tyra Mail – “Top models get maximum exposure, u must learn how to cover urself” (What’s with the 90’s shorthand?). It’s nude photoshoot time! To be continued…
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