ANTM Episode 3 – Let’s Dance

The show starts, as usual, with a little foreshadowing of what’s going to happen this week – Raina’s eyebrows are on the wall; Brenda is having a little identity crisis with her new hair; Ren is still in the game despite last week’s H1N1 shot, and she reveals that she’s in it to earn mommy’s love; Simone gave up 25k in tuition to join the show – what! Someone give this girl a job, stat!

Tyra Mail – “ur fashion knowledge can really take you places. or maybe not…” The girls get on the “Fab Bus” with Cycle 3 ANTMer, Toccara Jones. Now that’s what I call a plus-size model! The Fab Bus is a game show that will test the models’ fashion knowledge while they drive around the city. Lame. Since Raina had the best pic last week, she is Toccara’s assistant (yeah, she just sits there looking…well, let’s just call it pretty), and the rest of the girls split into 2 teams. Tocarra’s talk show host voice is the most annoying thing so far. Let’s skip to the important part…the winning team is Krista, Angelea, Simone, Alexandra and Jessica. The prize is go-sees at bluefly.com HQ and $500 GCs for all. The winner of the go-sees will get even more dough to spend, and a spot in the bluefly spring ad campaign. The losers are Brenda, Alasia, Anslee, Ren and Tatianna. They go to bluefly too, but they are sent to “the cage”…that’s the back room, where they have to receive new inventory. Suck. Anslee is pissed because Brenda choked on an easy question. I think she might just go trailer on her trailer ass!

The winners arrive for their go-sees. Raina is beautiful. Hm! Jessica is too thin…too thin for a model? That can’t be good. Angelea has a great personality (ha!) but sucked at selling her outfit. Alexandra has a beautiful face, and would be perfect for editorial…meaning they think she’s too fat to model. Simone was terrific, had a beautiful face, beautiful legs, and shoulders like a football player. Okay, so I may have exaggerated that one just a little. Krista ‘understands her body’ and knows what she’s doing. And the winner is…Simone. Since it was sort of a double challenge this week, I have awarded points to all 5 winners, plus an extra point to Simone. Boo.

Back at the loft, Brenda starts being bossy and Krista ain’t havin’ it! She calls Brenda ‘Geppetto’…bahaha…and when she leaves the room they call her Chucky. Well, little miss I-hate-drama Ren goes and tattles to Brenda, who won’t shut up about it for the rest of the night. Anslee tells her to stuff it “honey”, and Battle Trailer has begun. Called it.

Tyra Mail – “Top models always need 2 b in step.” The girls will be assigned a dance style for their photoshoot, and will receive a short one-on-one lesson from dance theatre vet, Troy Powell. Whoever that is. Oh, and Mr Jay is wearing pretty pants. Jealous.

Let’s just skip to judging and find out how they did. First of all, Tyra. What. The. Eff. She’s wearing some kind of one-piece nude pantsuit with giant shoulders…ugh…thanks Stef, for giving this a name – Vulcan Spanx. Without the benefits of Spanx, I might add. Moving on…this week’s guest judge is Sean Patterson, Mr Wilhelmina modelling agency. Smarten up girls! And what does Alasia decide to wear to panel today? A bloody metallic silver bathing suit instead of a shirt. Gawd! Ok, here’s how the girls did:
Anslee – Rhythmic Dancing – Pretty, but she missed the model boat…”Not fashion at all…her face is going for the gold, but her body doesn’t even get the bronze.”
Jessica – Salsa – She needed more passion…not good if your dance style is salsa, girl.
Tatianna – Tap – This outfit looked ridiculous. Her close-up shot was “dynamite” but it was the one lucky shot in her whole film. Oops.
Angelea – Moshing – Um, that’s not a dance. But the judges loved the shot. Lucky.
Ren – Disco – Mr Jay was bored at the shoot, and the judges hated it. Tyra asks Ren if she wants to stay or leave? Cut to commercial…ugh…of course she wants to stay! But I’m not convinced.
Alexandra – Break Dancing – She said she was “channelling Run DMC”…haha…well it worked. The judges were impressed with the big girl’s moves! I think this one’s my fave pic this week.
Raina – Jazz – The judges loved it. I hated it.
Brenda – African – This photoshoot was a downer, Jay was just mean, and Brenda doesn’t understand “on the count of three.” Brenda is the dreck winner of the week with her accountant outfit and terrible SNL-sketch giraffe shot. Ouch.
Krista – Ballet – Gentle face, awkward hands. Somehow this is what makes it fashion.
Alasia – Interpretive Dance – The girls all made fun of Alasia while she was on set, but the judges love her gorgeous shot. “The photo is as good as her outfit is bad.” Hehehe.
Simone – Hip Hop – This girl is white. Everyone is convinced. Even Simone! Hey, let’s give the black girl hip-hop, it’ll be a challenge. Seriously, it was.
And this week’s best photo is…Alasia. Are you kidding me?

Followed by Angelea, Jessica, Alexandra, Krista, Raina, Tatianna, Anslee and the bottom two – Ren and Brenda.
Ren was hand-picked by Tyra, and she has the goods…but not the wants. Brenda stays in. “Woo child, where is her station wagon?” Love it. Dr. Tyra gives Ren a little pep-talk and squeezes an apology out of her.

Well fuck. I'm out...there’s the first addition to the pot...